There are many different eating disorders, some may not even be realized as a disorder. If you or someone you know is suffering and needs to talk to somebody, call (800) 931-2237 or visit the National Eating Disorder Association.
I have an eating disorder
I was speaking with a friend today about our past times together, when we were roommates years ago, and living life without any real concerns and much fewer responsibilities. I told her I felt bittersweet about those moments because, while I loved them, I really love the moments I am creating now, with my husband, my family, my home and my career.
I bring this discussion up because it helps me focus on everything in my life that is so worth it. Life is hard, and when you register how much good you have, you need to hold onto that.
I have had an eating disorder that I have kept, mostly hidden, from the public, and I only recently have discussed it with my husband. The reason I am choosing to share this now is because I am on a road to health and recovery.
I am a little embarrassed to share this with you all because of the image I try to project in health and taking care of your body. Unfortunately, it has been somewhat hypocritical on my end, because I was not taking care of my own.
I recently wrote an article on the fitness industry and how it can create all of these misguided and negative feelings, and lead us down a bad road if we aren’t careful. The thing is, I wasn’t aware of this caution to take when I first started my health and fitness journey, which is probably what led to the problems I am facing and suffering now.
Eating Disorder: BED
I have a binge eating disorder, otherwise known as BED. I am an restrictive dieter, a binge eater, and an obsessive eater. I severely restrict my calories, my body compensates by overwhelming me with cravings to binge, and I obsess about everything I eat, when I will eat it, planning as much as 2 weeks in advance sometimes.
Only about a month ago, I started, very slowly, eating more calories in a day, my binge habits and cravings have mostly subsided, and I think less often and worry less often about food. BED can be life-threatening and is something you should take very seriously. You feel completely out of control and ashamed. So much so, that even as I was experiencing these emotions and partaking in the act, I would know consciously that it was not healthy, that I was binging, and that I needed to stop, but I. Could. Not. Hard days at work, stress, and depression, made this 5 times worse! I also started having a lot of issues with my stomach such as incredible pains, bloating, constipation, and cramps.
Here’s what happened: Somewhere along the way of losing weight and working out, I constantly felt like it was never enough, I still didn’t look like the “fitness model” on Instagram. So I must have been eating too much, right? Mmm, maybe, or 1) that is not realistic 2) I wasn’t burning enough or 3) It’s all just fake. In reality, it’s a little bit of all of those things.
While I am so thankful for my husbands support, for the incredible help I received (again) from an incredible person, and for my own strength, I am not free yet. There are no more sleepless nights worrying over tomorrow’s meals and if it’s too many calories, looking at things I could cut out. There are no more fears of my husband leaving me home alone, where I know without a doubt I will be overwhelmed with the urges to binge and try to get some sort of replenishment back into my body.
Although these fears are subsiding and the actions are shrinking away, the fact is, anything can set me off to return to those feelings and habits if I allow myself to step down that road. That is why I basically refrain from social media for one. I don’t scroll through much anymore, I just post my stuff, respond to comments and messages, and I leave.
I have stopped reading all of the health and fitness articles, the newest diet trend, unless I am specifically researching for my writing. Even then, I am not allowing myself to sift through the information for my personal journey, but am strictly relaying the facts to you guys, so that you may resolve your own conclusions.
I also joined an online BED Support Group which has been a great help as I have healed. Since I am recovering, I try to refrain from going on there now, only because I am worried that other people’s threads might trigger something within me.
You have to be very careful about what you allow yourself to get sucked into. It may seem extreme to say it now but truthfully, it can be dangerous to your health. The thing is, the media doesn’t care, it’s how they make money. You keep buying products that tell you they can help you look like the digital image of someone society has deemed “beautiful” or even “acceptable”. That’s part of why I created this site, to grow a community of positive influences to help guide you along your journey in a healthy way. I am sorry that with this issue of mine, I have came off hypocritical and preached to you about things that I wasn’t doing myself. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.
**If you are someone you know suffers from an eating disorder, talk with someone today by calling the helpline (800) 931-2237 or visit the National Eating Disorder Association for more information.**
Love Ya’ll A Latte,
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